Don’t get me wrong, I love the Windy City. Its hard not to love any city after living in the Detroit area for as many years as I did. But like any major metropolis, there are going to be aspects that just piss the fuck out of you. Here are my top five.
1. Bicyclists
Yes, I applaud your decision to use an eco-friendly mode of transportation. You save money by not spending an arm and a leg for gas and you leave no carbon footprint. I even sort of envy your carefree, no showering, no shaving, hippie-liberal lifestyle. But I still hate pretty much every last one of you. Can’t you read street signs? You know that eight-sided red sign? That means stop your fucking bike! Just because you don’t have an engine on your two wheeled hippie death trap, doesn’t mean you can ignore every law. I’ve nearly killed at least a baker’s dozen of you little fuckers over the past year simply because I followed all traffic laws and you ignore them like Paris Hilton after a few cosmos. I honestly believe that people on bikes deserve to get run off the road or hit if they choose to ignore all tenants of traffic law. Its Drawin’s survival of the fittest at its best.
2. Its fucking cold.
I’ve lived in both Colorado and Michigan and I thought I knew what cold was. No, I didn’t have a clue. Chicago is windy, cold and just about as miserable as a place can be in the winter. It was so cold for a solid week this year that salting the roads had no effect, because it was too cold for the salt to work. With the wind chill it reached below negative 40 for like three straight days. I’m surprised that the incidents of people dropping dead on the streets due to the Siberia-like temperatures doesn’t occur on a more regular basis. It was so cold waiting for a bus one day in January, that I almost cut open the stomach of a fat woman standing next to me and crawled inside like Han Solo did with that ton-ton in the Empire Strikes Back to save Luke.
3. Chicago Cubs Fans
I have nothing against the loveable losers that are the Chicago Cubs. It is a storied franchised steeped in history and lore, but the club quite possibly has the largest collection of cry baby, douche bag fans in the world.
First and foremost, Cubs fans need to stop bitching about Bartman or some stupid goat and just realize that none of the Cubs teams in the past century had the skill, talent or determination to win a World Series. Every time a Northsider proclaims that the Cubbies would have won the NLCS and gone on to beat the Yankees if Bartman wouldn’t have gotten in the way of that foul ball, I want to smack them across the face, unpop their collar and pour their Zima over the head.
Secondly, I haven’t met many Cubs fans that actually know anything about the baseball team for which they own every plausible type of team merchandise. I’m not saying you need to be an expert on the team or know what stats are involved in determining Derrek Lee’s slugging percentage, but at least know the basics. You know, like there are three outs per side and you look like a total slut wearing a pink ladies Cubs hat.
4. The CTA Bus System
Public transportation in Chicago is pretty good. In general, I don’t have too many complaints. I use the L and the buses on a relatively frequent basis (when I’m not gunning for bike riders in my car). But there is one thing about the bus system that royally pisses me off. How can five buses pass me in the opposite direction, without one single bus coming my way? Is it too difficult to space out the buses? Is there some sort of crazy Good Will Hunting type algorithm that the CTA can’t break that is needed to get better timing on the buses? I’ve seen three buses lined up back to back and still stop at each and every stop. Does it take a genius to figure out that one bus should skip ahead a few stops? I suppose thats too much to ask.
5. Homeless People
Before I start getting hate mail from the three people who read this, please hear me out. Its not that I hate homeless people. The problem is simply that the homeless population in Chicago is too nice. In Detroit if you pass someone asking you for change they will get in your face, spit on you and most likely try to impregnate your girlfriend if you don’t drop what change you have into their empty Burger King cup. But here in Chicago its just way too easy to pass by and not give a dime. They will still say “thank you” and “God bless.” WTF? I just walked by you with $74 in loose change in my pocket. You could hear it jingling from three blocks away! But no, you said thank you, now I feel like a complete asshole for passing you by and not donating. I am way too lazy to donate without the fear of God being put into me.